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| As you can tell we are very excited! |
On Tuesday April 19 we found out that we are going to be parents! After work I had a feeling that I should take a pregnancy test, I was trying to not watch it because I just didn't want to be disappointed again. But slowly a very faint line was starting to appear, I was in a little bit of shock and I was super happy! It has taken us a year and 4months for this to happen and now it was actually going to happen. Matt wasn't home just yet so I waited on the couch with a goofy grin on my face. Once he was home, he went to the bedroom to change out of his work clothes, I followed him to our room and told him. I said "I took a pregnancy test and it says that we are pregnant!" His reaction wasn't what I had totally expected. He wasn't jumping around like I thought he would, he said "lets see it." So I showed him the test and I pointed out the faint line. He said "maybe you should take another one tomorrow morning and we will see if it is still positive." He just didn't want to get his hopes up too much because it has taken us so long to get pregnant and after so many negative test results he just wanted to be sure.
Wednesday April 20th
When I woke up this morning I made sure I took out a pregnancy test so I could test again this morning to see if the test would read positive again. After my shower I checked it and it said positive again! I came back into the bed room and Matt asks "did you take a test, what did it say?" (usually he is still sleeping but he was really excited to find out) I said "it is still positive!!!"
Thursday April 21st
Tonight we told our family the good news! I still wanted to wait a little bit longer but Matt looked like he was going to explode if he didn't get to tell someone. First we had called my parents, my mom was still at work when we had called so we told my dad and he was super excited, this was going to be his first time as a grandpa! We had asked him to get mom to call us when she got home from work so we could tell her too. Then we called Matt's parents and they too were super excited this would be their 5th grandchild. We then waited till my mom called us which of course she we thrilled about the news too, before we called our siblings. First we called my brother and he was out taking a joy ride with his new car so Matt told him to come over so he could see the car (Matt hasn't see the car yet) so he was on his way over. So then we called Matt's older brother and his wife, only Kunthea was home and not Richard so we told her and she was really excited for us too, she said that she would get Richard to call us when he got home. Then we called Matt's younger brother and his wife (the ones that just had a baby) Kris had answered and Matt told him the news and he said " oh ok, well keep us posted" really? Yes that is what he had actually said, ya we get it he was trying to put his daughter to sleep but we really thought there would be a slight hint of excitement. Then Karina (she is married to Kris) she called my cell phone and she had the excitement that Kris was lacking, so that was really nice that she was excited! At the same time Matt was on the phone with his brother Richard letting him know about our news, then my brother had come in while both Matt and I were on the phone and he rushed to the bathroom because he had to pee. I still had my pregnancy tests on the counter so I was worried he was going to see them and find out before we could tell him. I went outside and told Matt this. But my brother came out of the washroom and I asked him if had noticed anything different, he said he didn't see anything. So I took him back to the washroom and pointed them out to him and he said "what does that mean?" I laughed and told him that I was pregnant and that he was going to be an uncle. He was really excited! It was really great telling everyone about our pregnancy.
Friday April 22nd
In the evening Jonathan (my brother) was having a party at his house that we were going to. We got there early and Jonathan's girlfriend Megan had come in just after us. We told Megan about our news and she was really happy for us. She had said that she had thought Jonathan was acting a little bit different last night when he had gone over to her house after he was at ours. But of course we told her that we wanted to keep it quite right now until we were further along then we would tell more people.
Monday April 25th
Today I got to go home early from work which was great! I had called my friend Rachel because I wanted to ask her a few questions about a few things that I had noticed about my pregnancy. Around 3pm I had noticed that I had a bit of red/ pink color to my discharge or cervical fluid which ever you want to call it. This made me really worried. I know that they say that some women have bleeding through out their pregnancy, but really any bleeding during pregnancy is not truly considered normal. It may be "normal" for some women, just the way their bodies work, but for me I really had to think that this was not normal for me. I waited till Matt had gotten home and I told him what was going on. Its wasn't too much blood then so we had dinner and after dinner we had called the health link to find out what we should do because since 3pm that afternoon there was more bleeding. She told us to go to the hospital to get it checked out.
6pm we got to the hospital, Matt dropped me off at the emergency doors for me to get myself checked in while he went to find a place to park. I got checked in pretty quick and then the waiting started. First it was in the general emergency waiting room and then about 20minutes later my name got called and I had asked if Matt could come with me and they said not yet they just have to take me back to the triage to get my wrist band. So I walked with the nurse to another waiting room where I had to wait about another 30-40 minutes before I got to see the triage nurse to give her the info as to what is going on. After I had seen her I waited for about another 20 minutes and then they finally allowed Matt to come in to see me. We still hadn't seen the doctor yet but at least Matt was with me so I didn't have to be by myself.
Once we got to see the doctor I explained everything that was going on, first pregnancy, bleeding, pressure on one side all that sort of stuff. He wanted to get some blood work done from me to check my pregnancy hormone levels as well as to see what blood type I am. I told him that I was pretty sure I have B-. He also did an ultra sound with the one that they had in the emergency ward. He said it really wasn't the best one but just to see. He said that it looked like there was something there but he wanted me to come back tomorrow to have the ultra sound techs use their machines. When we got out of that room one of the nurses brought me over to a chair so she could take a blood sample. While this was going on Matt went to go call my boss to explain that I needed the day off tomorrow and what was kind of going on. Matt was gone for only a few minutes and then we had to wait at least an hour for the results. They wanted me to stick around so if I need to get my shot I would be here and they could just give it to me then. During this waiting period we had to go to the ultra sound ward to see about getting an appointment for me to have the ultra sound done. They were completely booked for tomorrow! We told her that we had already called my boss so I could have the day off so I could get this done because its needs to get get done ASAP! So she put us on the waiting list and she said that they would call me in the morning before 10am to see about getting me in. We got our paper with the instructions and went back to the waiting room that we were at before.
The lab results came back and it did show that I was B- which meant that I needed the shot to make my blood turn positive that way my body wouldn't make antibodies against the baby to try and kill it since my body would think it would be some sort of foreign object. For this shot we had to wait about another 30minutes for it. Once I received my shot we were allowed to go home. We called my parents to let them know what was going on and to also see if my mom could be at the hospital with me tomorrow for my ultra sound since Matt had to go to a meeting for work, he had tried to get someone else to cover for him but the only people that could attend the meeting all had other meetings or things they had to do.
Tuesday April 26
This morning I didn't sleep in too late because I wanted to be ready just in case the ultra sound place called me for an appointment. At around 7:30am they had called and said that they could get me in for 10am and for me to be at the hospital checked in by 9:30am. So I called my mom right away to let her know what time then I hopped in the shower and got my self ready. When I was on the phone I asked the lady what time I should start drinking my 5 8ounce glasses of water, she said to start drinking them at 8:30am. I really don't know why your bladder has to be uncomfortably full (it says this on the instructions). Between 8:30 and 8:45am I had 3 8 ounce glasses of water and then I had filled my water bottle that had the liquid measurements already on it to 16 ounces to take with me to drink on the way. So I left the house pretty early because I was expecting there to be some traffic. Well there was none. I pulled into the hospital parking lot at 9am so I was super early. So I sat in the car and had another 8 ounces of water, I was starting to feel a little sick from all the water but I had to keep drinking. I called my mom to let her know I was already here and that I was just going to go and get signed in.
After I was signed in my mom was there so we went to the ultra sound ward and waited. I was doing pretty good with having drank all that water and then the last 15 minutes before 10am were awful! I was so sore and I thought that as soon as I stood up I would pee my pants, it was so uncomfortable. 10am they called me and I was walking a little slow just concentrating on not peeing my pants. When I got in there with the nurse she asked me a few questions and then we did the ultra sound. First it was the ultra sound on the outside of my stomach, which they get you to breath in and out deeply and push your stomach out while you are trying to hold your pee in. It was really hard but I did it. As soon as this ultra sound was done I got to go pee and I literally peed for about 5 minutes straight, I kind of felt like Austin Powers. Then we did an internal ultra sound. Once that was done and I cleaned my self up the nurse was putting the pictures up on the computer and I was able to see them through the crack of the curtains and I saw nothing in my uterus on the screen. That is when I really thought that this was it, there is no more baby.
I then had to go back to the main emergency waiting room and wait to be called to the waiting room in the back. I told my mom that when I go in she can go because they don't really let the other person that came with you in, also Matt was on his way and I didn't know how long I would have to wait for. Then my name was called and I went to the back and had to speak to the triage nurse again and let her know what is going on. From yesterday there was more blood this time and a few small blood clots. Matt was about 20minutes away when the doctor called me in. He told me that my uterus and tubes looked clean that there was nothing inside but that this could be because it was so early in the pregnancy. He said that my hormone level was at 44 which is low with where I am at with the pregnancy. I told him that we had a doctors appointment with our family doctor still today because this was the appointment that we were going to go to get the doctor's confirmation that we are pregnant, but we already had it confirmed by the doctor yesterday that we had seen at emergency.
So at 5:40pm we went to our family doctor's office for our appointment, we told our doctor what was going on and the report that the doctor at emergency had given to us. She said that by the charts they go by I should technically be about 5 to 6 weeks pregnant and the number for the pregnancy hormone is really low for where I am at in my pregnancy. She said that I have to go for blood work 3 times about 2 days apart and then come back next week for the test results. At this point Matt and I were already thinking that we have lost our baby.
We got home and had some supper and around 7-7:30pm I had to go to the bathroom and saw that I had passed a really big blood clot. This was our confirmation that I was having a miscarriage. This was the worst feeling I have ever had. I couldn't stop crying for what felt like forever, I don't think I have ever cried this hard before. We called out parents to let them know what was going on and that we were loosing our baby. I felt so devastated and defeated it that makes sense. We had been trying to get pregnant for over a year, I had to go on medication to ovulate and we had an appointment with the fertility clinic which we had cancelled because the day before we had taken the test that showed we were pregnant. And now I'm having a miscarriage! I don't even know if we were having a boy or a girl. I'll never get to hold my baby, see my baby grow, kiss my baby, nothing. It's just so hard.
It was such a hard night knowing that I'm not pregnant anymore, I just felt empty inside. It is hard to described but I just hope I never have to through this emotional devastation again.
I still went for my blood tests one was on Wednesday, then Friday and then Monday the following week. I was still wishing there was a baby but I knew there was not going to be one in the end.
Tuesday May 3 6pm
Matt and I went for my doctor's appointment to find out the results of all the blood work. We ended up having to wait for an hour because there were a few emergencies that she had to take in before us. Once we saw her she said she was sorry for our loss and that the last blood test result came back with zero being the number for the pregnancy hormone. She told me that we don't have to wait till 3 months to start trying again just wait till my next period and if it happens then it will happen and if after 3 months still no pregnancy then to come back and I will go on some pills again. She did tell me that she wants me to take 4 folic acid vitamins a day just to make sure I have enough in my system to support a pregnancy when it happens. Our doctor is really great you can really tell that she cares for her patients and that she is sympathetic towards her patients concerns. I am so glad that Matt had found her.
Right after our appointment we had to head straight to church because our District Apostle was in town holding service tonight. Man this service was hard for me, we already knew that there was going to be Holy Communion for the departed and that Matt was going to stand proxy for this Holy act. It was so hard because today we got the confirmation from the doctor that we did loose our baby even though we knew we had lost our baby already the week before. Usually Holy Communion for the departed does not happen on a week day usually just on Sundays but our District Apostle knew of our situation. It was really special that this was able to happen so soon after our miscarriage. I usually don't cry during church services but this one I definitely did, I couldn't help it. It really hit me today that my baby is gone, it was confirmed by the doctor and I think I needed to hear it from the doctor because I was so wishing to still be able to have this baby.
Even though I had a miscarriage I still have to be thankful, for whatever reason our Heavenly Father had a reason to take this baby to eternity before we got to meet our baby face to face. We can't sit there and question why, if we do we will go crazy! I have heard stories of a few other women that had to go through miscarriages and I have to say a feel very blessed to have not had to go through to much physical pain. Yes i did have some cramping and bleeding but it was bearable. I only bled for about a week, one really heavy day and the rest kind of like a period. I only had one night with really uncomfortable cramps which I was able to take an Advil for and was able to fall asleep. What I know is is that our baby is in eternity and has a great grand mother (my Oma) to watch over our baby. Also Matt's grandparents are in eternity and my uncle and some of my cousins and my older sister is there too watching over our baby. It warms my heart to think that our baby is so loved not only here on earth but also in eternity.
I'm not sure if anyone knows that stats of pregnancies that go to full term and those that have miscarriages. Well it is about 80% go to full term and about 20% are miscarriages. I had to think about this a little bit because I know at least 10 to 15 women who were pregnant and had their little babies or will have them soon, and then I had to think that maybe for all these women to be able to have their babies happy and healthy there had to be one somewhere that would have a miscarriage. That was me, I feel like God knew that out of these women who were wanting to be pregnant and got pregnant that I would be able to handle a miscarriage. Not that I wanted one or would want anyone else to have one, but it's just something I feel like this is how it had to be.
I hope that I wont have to go through this again, I hope that Matt and I can get pregnant again with out me having to go on medication again. Its going to be hard because we have to be patient and wait to see if we will get pregnant again. I really hope that this wasn't my only chance.
Oh Vanessa. So glad I could read this.
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